i’m going to be real with you. i have not been the best me lately.
do you ever have those days?
and see the thing is with me, when that happens, i get so frustrated. and grumpy. and stuck. because i know that i am better and more than that and, even more importantly, i know God is better and more than that.
and yet, for whatever reason, i have felt lately like i cant see him. and that makes me mad too. because i know he is there, and i know he is so faithful. yet for whatever reason, it feels like there has been a disconnect.
life and frustration and disappointment and confusion can look a lot of ways for a lot of different people. and i am in no way saying that yours looks like mine. but what i am saying is that i have had to figure out what it looks like to go back to rest.
remember rest, taylor? that thing you said you were going to focus on this year? quieting your mind? regaining focus? trusting in what you know? oh yeah, that. well i guess add it to the list of things ive been bad at lately.
but thats the other thing. life cant work like this, and we cant work like this. i have been more and more convinced every day that each of us needs to allow ourselves a huge spoonful of grace – because we can be absolutely destructive. and then, in that, we lose perspective. and get disconnected from the things that matter most.
i dont want to do this anymore. i want to go back to rest. i want to rest in the changes in my family that feel hard or scary. i want to rest in an uncertain future. i want to rest, most of all, in the present of right where i am.
because the reality is, thats where we do our best work – in what is right in front of us. in the here and now. God has such big plans, i know he does, but how am i supposed to see them if i dont even know what it means to pay attention to whats right in front of me?
so, starting this past monday, i am trying to give myself a break. to say that it is okay to feel confused or unsure or, even more simply, not on my A game. and in those moments, i want to start trusting that tomorrow will be okay by looking at the beauty of today.
God opens doors, he really does. i just have to figure out what it means to actually let him. and give myself grace when i run out of patience.
so, im for sure not saying that i have it all figured out or anywhere close to all together, but practice makes perfect right?
so thats what im giving myself permission to do. to not have it all figured out. to be humbled and in fact sit in and learn from the stuff im not good at. to say maybe maybe theres still more stuff for me to learn in this life. to practice.