forgive me if ive been a litle overwhelmed by so many different emotions lately.
for those of you who have graduated, well freaking done. for those of you who havent, it will be quite the interesting season i can tell you that much. and for those of you who are along side of me, im sure you can relate to living in a constant dichotomy.
dichotomy. meaning “a division into two mutually exclusive, opposed, or contradictory groups”. at least thats what dictionary.com tells me. you’re with me now right? total excitement and complete terror. unrelentless drive toward your passion and crippling fear of the failure to get there. looking forward to the future while feeling nostalgic about the past. ready to move on but feeling confused about letting go.
this is the life of a senior getting ready to graduate. or at least this is the reality of my life as a senior getting ready to graduate.
i dont know why at the same exact time throught this season its felt like im going to get through this next transition no problemo, having my future in the bag, AND that nobody else had ever done this before and i was the very first person EVER to have to traipse the rugged, unknown terrain of life ahead on my own.
dichotomy. thats the only way i can think to explain it.
what ive come to realize amidst the moments of excitement and hope paired right alongside the freak out sessions and “will i ever get a job” chats with my roommates, is that i need permission to just be HERE right now… and then start chapter one.
a very wise professor told me that our career path should be a story, and if we’re too worried about treating this next step in life like an intersection rather than a delta, we will totally and completely miss it. we will miss our chance to start to tell our story now, starting with the very first chapter and trusting that even past that there will be more chapters to come. it doesnt matter if i am an assistant to a reality television star or working at a womens gym, this next season is about learning – about pursuing options that can lead to the next thing all the while allowing me to simply grow.
there are so many things i dont know how to do yet. i am not an expert at paying bills. i am not familiar with working a 9-5 job. i have not, nor will i probably for quite some time, owned a house. and i do not know what it looks like to practice intentionally pursuing my friends who are going off in a million different directions while i am as well.
but what i do know is that there is grace enough for all of that. i want this season to be about becoming. in the words of an author i absolutely love, shauna niequist, i dont want to get stuck in the past or fast-forward to a future i havent yet earned. i want to simply sit in the grace of today – trusting that it is a story God is writing, certainly not me.
i do want to pursue holiness. i was catching up with a good friend the other day when we started chatting about the future. “you know what ive realized?” she said. “amidst the chaos of the season of change that is to come – ive realized one thing. i cant figure it out on my own. so for me, its about pursuing holiness, and trusting that from there, everything else will fall into place”. is this not the truth of our lives? the future will always bring change and confusion. there will always be elements of life that both lift us up as well as knock us on our butts because the future is what it always has been – unknown. pursuing a God who I believe transcends all of that brings peace into an otherwise messy scary life. and so thats what i want to do – pursue holiness, and trust that the rest of it will fall into place.
i do want to give myself permission to fail. and no not in a selling-myself-short kind of way. in a life-will-always-have-failures kind of way. i think im realizing that failing is not a reflection of my worth as a person… and so really, what matters most is what i choose to learn from it. let me preface this by saying failing is not something i am currently good at. in fact, im kind of a wallower – you know, taking it very personally and buying myself an extra starbucks just for the pick me up. we’re talking about a girl who doesnt even necessarily like to sign up for things shes not good about because she hasnt grasped the idea of a learning curve. but that is not real life. real life is falling down and getting up – choosing to laugh about the things that didnt go our way in life. letting them become stories around the table instead of the pieces that tore us down because we were never able to fully recover from. i want to have a true sense of humor in it all. because giving myself permission to fail also gives me permission to really go for it. over and over and over again until one time, the perseverance finally pays off. i dont want to take myself out of the game before its even started.
there are so many things that are unknown about what is to come. and so i hope for you, whatever season of change you find yourself in, whether thats that you too are getting ready to graduate and set out on your own in the world or are facing something completely different yet nontheless puzzling and/or scary, or maybe youre just trying to decide what class load would be best to take next semester, that you too will choose to use this time as an opportunity to stop and be a student again. to learn and, more than that, give yourself permission to grow.
and, with that, lets be in this together okay? trusting that there is so much more before us than simply what we can see.
dichotomy. maybe its not such a bad thing after all.